i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
