I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
