I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize