god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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