She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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