Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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