is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
