Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
