They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
