when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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