dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
