Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
