Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
