So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
