Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Shame - the story of my life.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize