the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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