I'm eating all of the evidence.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
