Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
