i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
