I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
