If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
So squirting runs in the family.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
