I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I love you. Go after that dick
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
