what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
