i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
So squirting runs in the family.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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