Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize