i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
