Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
