we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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