I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
