i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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