I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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