Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
