I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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