you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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