do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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