remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize