Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
