Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
