Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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