And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
