Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
