I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize