Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
