threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
