The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
