I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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