Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
