I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
