yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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