i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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