i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
