You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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