am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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