I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I did not marry a roomba.
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