omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
