She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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