In America we eat man semen.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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