so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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