: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
