It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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