i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
