i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
